Miscarriage. It’s a club no one wants to be in, but once you are in you soon realize there are a lot more people you know that are there. Well, I joined that club recently and my heart aches.
I’ve been teetering on whether or not I wanted to share this with everyone, but it feels like a good way to grieve right now.
I’m having a hard time grieving because a part of me goes “how blessed I am to already have 5 beautiful children and here I am aching over the loss of my baby”. There are so many women out there who would do anything to have a child. I am very aware of how hard it is to see people talk about getting pregnant when so many of you struggle. But then I think that this was life that I was carrying, whether it’s my 1st or my 6th, I lost a baby and I’m allowed to grieve and be sad.
This was a quite the emotional rollercoaster of a pregnancy. At my 8 week check-up the doctor could not find a sac or a baby. Just a blank screen. I was told that it could possibly be ectopic and to go get my blood drawn to see if the pregnancy hormone hcG goes up. 2 days later I get my blood drawn again and it was confirmed that I was most definitely pregnant.
I had an ultrasound appt the following day. My husband and I prepared for the worst. We knew that with an ectopic pregnancy they would have to remove one or part of my tube. My doctor searched the left ovary 1st and measured a spot that looked like it could have been the sac. (it ended up being a cyst) Went to check my uterus and couldn’t see anything and had a hard time even locating my uterus, then tried to find the right ovary and couldn’t find it. She went back to my uterus and noticed that it was tilted and then the miracle we were so hoping for…….there at the bottom of the screen was a baby. With a HEARTBEAT! We left completely in shock. The doctor said we still need to be cautious, but optimistic.
We had a follow up appointment the following week. I went alone. I was still feeling very much pregnant. But then the worst news. No heartbeat. No growth. I had another doctor come in to confirm. I was devastated. My doctor is wonderful and gave me my options…I could take medicine, have a D&C, or let the baby naturally pass. I chose to naturally pass it.
Let me tell you; the waiting game is HARD. But in the back of my mind I always had the “what if” Then last night it happened. I passed my perfect little baby. We buried it under my favorite tree and like St. Marie Azelie said “We shall find our little ones again up above.” I look forward to that day.
My heart breaks for those of you that have lost and those that of you that are struggling with infertility. We are in this club together and there is support and love for everyone that is or has been in this position.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m crying reading this. There’s very little anyone can say to make you feel better right now. Just sending support & sympathy.
thank you so much. Sending so many heart emojis to you
I needed this. My husband and I found out Friday our baby’s heartbeat stopped. I was 12 weeks. Still waiting for her to pass. I’m so sorry for your loss. I grieve with you. Thank you for sharing your story.
You are not alone and I’m here for you if you need to talk. You can always email me at pretenditsadonut@gmail.com. Support and knowing that you are not alone has been very helpful for me
I would find much comfort in reaching out, thank you. We were in the ER this morning and our baby girl passed naturally. It’s been a difficult day. Thank you again. ?
Sending lots of ????.
So sorry for your loss. I have 2 children and got pregnant again and found out it was ectopic. It was devastating. Hat was 2 years ago and we haven’t been able to get pregnant since. I felt the same way as you, guilty over being upset about losing a baby when I have 2 children. But you are right it is part of our life and it doesn’t matter how many children we have it is still a loss. I still catch myself thinking about how things should be if the pregnancy and been right. I send my hugs and prayers to you.
My heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts as well. Lots of love.
Miscarried at 9 weeks. Be gentle with yourself and the expectations of loss/grief. I consider myself a pretty tough cookie (social worker who works in a field with lots of grief processing). However, the hormonal shift that occurred after the miscarriage caught me off guard. Your body may physically show no signs but hormonally I found it to be quite a roller coaster.
Yes, this has totally thrown me off guard as I’m pretty tough emotionally, but man what an emotional rollercoaster. I never could have imagined. And my heart aches for everyone who has and who will go through this.
I’ve had two and I look forward to meeting those babies one day when I stand before Jesus. I’m sorry 🙁 It’s terrible and people will say thoughtless things because they don’t know what to say. Give them grace. I understand your pain. Time will heal but you will never forget. xo
Thank you for the comment. I really need to hear these!
I had a similiar experience almost 2 weeks ago. It’s a silent suffering, thank you for sharing. Prayers for you and your family.
It is. Prayers for you and your family as well.
So sorry Jen…I would say Welcome to the Club, but truly wish no one belonged here. Do something nice for yourself!
the worst, yet most supportive and loving club.
Oh, friend. I’m so sorry about the loss of you sweet baby and I’m glad that you are giving yourself permission to grieve. It’s so sad. I’m praying for you and inspired by your courage. Sending you all my love and I know our babies are playing together, perfect and whole. It’s bittersweet for us mommas down here who ache to have held them in our arms.
I actually have been thinking about you these last few days. Thanks for the love and prayers.
Your post brought tears to my eyes…the thing about this club, when you hear another member’s story, that familiar ache returns. But when it does, it comes with peace and compassion. My prayers as you grieve this loss. I firmly believe your angel is waiting for you in heaven.
Thank you!
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I also belong to this club. Our hospital gave a grieving packet and there was a small gold ring in it, I bought a chain and wear it everyday close to my heart. It reminds me of the little one we didn’t get to hold or watch grow up. I love seeing the reminder. it helps me feel like baby is not forgotten. Hugs to you and your family.
I love that your hospital gave you something like that. I wonder if mine does the same.
I am so sorry for your loss. This has happened to me twice in a row (no children yet) but know you’re not alone. Some days will be easy and others will be hard but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You get to feel all the emotions regardless of what others think. There’s a whole support system here to help and cheer you on. It’s going to take time to heal (mentally and physically) and you’ll always remeber the experience but surround yourself with the people you love.
My heart aches for you as well. I hope that it goes well for you soon. The support has been more amazing than I thought it would be
May God bless and comfort you. Your words and sensitivity considering those unable to conceive are beautiful. Sending you a hug♥️
Thank you and hugs to you as well. xo
If it’s your 1st, 6th, or any other digit, you’re a mom and that’s your baby. So sorry for you loss, so many of us have stories so so similar and I think we all grieve with each other no matter how long it’s been or how many healthy babies have come since. Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot. xo
I am so very sorry for this heartbreak. I have four precious souls treasured up in Heaven while I raise these three here on Earth. There is nothing like losing a baby. Your heartache is your own and preciously individual, but you are certainly not alone – and that always brought me comfort in my days of heartbreak. May you be caught up close in our good Father’s loving embrace.❤️
The support has brought so much more comfort than I could have imagined. xo
Oh sweetie, I understand. I have four babies awaiting me in heaven. It’s a feeling that only those who’ve experienced it can completely comprehend.
Both of my daughters are miracle babies … waiting 12 years for the first one and another 10 for the second, well into my forties. I thank God every day for the blessing of their lives and now, my two perfect grandchildren.
There is healing in sharing with those who admire and appreciate you, your gifting and talents … we here. I found you on Instagram when I did my January Whole30 and have loved you ever since. You’re adorable and special and, no doubt a wonderful mommy to those 5 little ones entrusted to you and your husband.
Take heart, dear one … prayers are being lifted on your behalf. xox
your words mean so much to me. I really truly appreciate all the support. Much more than I could have ever imagined and so needed.
I know it’s hard to believe right now, but your heart will heal in time. Tight hugs and much love. xox
looking forward to that. Thanks for the virtual hugs. xx
I am so sorry for your loss & cant imagine the pain. Thank you for being open and allowing yourself to grieve, I know that will help someone else going through it.
I hope so. Thank you for the kind words.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been
there-not easy. And yes, we will see our little one’s again.
I look forward to it. xoxo
You have my most sincere sorrow for your loss. We have 8 saints in Heaven and four beautiful children here with us. It is a rotten club to be in but God is good all of the time! I took a long long road to recovery both mentally and physically -( one of the miscarriages was an ectopic and my tube ruptured. ). God gives us the depth of feeling that so few even choose to acknowledge. I am grateful for the joys and the sorrows.
My heart aches for your losses. God is good and I know that all our babies are playing with each other until we see them again. xo
I do not have children out of choice. But my husband and I feel very strongly that life is a gift no matter how many you take part in making. Having never been pregnant, I can only sympathize as a woman. My heart aches for you. I am impressed by your openness of such a private experience. I feel very strongly that there is comfort to be had in the right places. May you find that comfort and may it help you endure this painful loss. ??
Thank you so much for writing this. The support is more than I could have ever imagined and I thank everyone for it. xo
We tried for years to have another and finally got pregnant after 3 years of trying. Sadly the same thing happened to me, the baby had a heartbeat and then a week later it didn’t. I was 10 wks along and the doctor recommended a D&C, I really wish I had waited and passed it naturally and got to bury it. Here we are 3 years later and still trying to add on to our family. We have 6 kids and went through years of infertility before and now and people do say well at least you have kids but it does not help. That baby was so so wanted and prayed for and my heart still breaks wishing we had got to have it. Its a loss of so many things, a baby, a dream and all your hopes and plans. I also am 45 now and my doctors have made it clear that our chances of ever getting pregnant are so slim and almost impossible. I am so grateful for the children I have but I feel like I will go on the rest of my life with a broken heart and a dream that never came true. You are in my prayers, thank you so much for sharing your story ?❤️
My heart aches for you and I pray that you get a chance again, and if not I pray that you find comfort knowing that it is okay and okay to be sad about it. Thank you for sharing as well. You are in my thoughts. xo
We just found out that our dear friends just lost their twins today. They have no children. We are heartbroken for them. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I wish I could share this with my friend but I know right now is not the right time. Your words carry great wisdom and I will share with my friend when the time is right. God bless you. I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your friends loss. They are absolutely lucky to have friends like you. When the timing is right you will know. They are in our thoughts and prayers.
Oh Jen I’m so sorry. i know you don’t know me but I feel like I know you from following you for years ! I too am in this club (I also am blessed with children too) 3 times over – and the pain can’t be measured. sending love & prayers x
Thank you for all the love, prayers, and support. xo
So sorry for your loss! It’s tough, and it can take courage to do the grieving we need to do – in part because there are so many ways that even talking about it brings up discomfort or big feelings in others ( i’m struggling with this myself after my baby was delivered a stillborn). Which is to say, thanks for sharing this, and I wish you healing, love, and compassion to pave the journey through this season.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. You are in my thoughts. xo
Jenn, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending much love to you and your family.
Thank you. xx
I am so sorry for your loss! You are blessed with 5 children and absolutely have the right to grieve this loss as well. You are right though…this “club” is large and mostly silent. We miscarriaged 7 years ago but were/are very fortunate to have a beautiful 16year old daughter as well (some days better than others at this age. LOL). Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story.
I’m truly blessed with the support that I have received. Way more than I could have ever imagined. The worst, but most supportive and loving club a woman could be in.
The roller coaster ride must be terrible. I am not part of the club but please know I support and cheer for all the mom’s that ache.
Thank you so much Sarah. It truly means a lot.
So sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs and prayers
Thank you Liz
I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying that God will lift you and your family in his arms. ❤️
Thank you. xx
Oh, my heart breaks for you! There’s nothing anyone can say but, “that *sucks* so hard,” & hug your neck tight. Keeping you & your family tight in my thoughts.
If it’s any consolation, this post provided some mutual catharsis. I lost a baby at 11wks last fall under similar circumstances. That baby’s due date was this week & it’s been a struggle.
#TheWorstClub
#TheStrongestWomen
#YouAreNeverAlone
The worst, but most supportive and loving group of women. Keeping you in my thoughts this week. xo
I just suffered my loss a few weeks ago. I am so sorry you had to endure this as well. Know you are not alone.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. 🙁
I’m sorry for your loss….I would not wish the pain of miscarriage on my worst enemy. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks with my third child. I couldn’t believe how many people said to me: “ at least you know you can have children” I know they weren’t trying to be cruel, until you’ve gone through it, the pain is indescribable! I told them: “ yes that’s true but it also means that I understand the immense loss of a CHILD who I would have gotten to see grow up and be in our lives like the two boys we already have.” That was almost 20 years ago but every Ash Wednesday (the day I started bleeding) I mourn that child. I ended up giving birth to our daughter the next April which means that if I would have had that baby, we wouldn’t have our daughter so I believe it was meant to be and we will meet our sweet angel child someday. I’m glad you are letting yourself mourn! All children are a gift and worthy of your tears. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
It was definitely meant to be. Thank you for the love, support, and prayers and for sharing your story. xo
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at almost 16 weeks between my two. That was about 21 ears ago and I still think about her. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family ??
Thank you so much for the love, prayers, and support. It means so so much to me, especially right now.
So sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies to miscarriage. It is very sad, just so sad. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you. My thoughts are with you as well. xo
So sorry for your loss. I prayed for you and your family this evening while cooking dinner. Praying for you as you grieve the loss of this baby.
Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers. They are very much needed. xo
Prayers! ?
Thank you
Sending comfort and prayers to you and your family. My sister also has 5 children now, but miscarried one. It’s not easy but time will heal. Thanks for sharing your story. ?
Time will heal. Thank you.
So so sad. Tears rolling down my face. Thank you for sharing your experience (with such beautiful affection) with the world to help everyone begin to understand what you, and so many women and families, are feeling. Xoxo
Thank you for the comment. I truly appreciate the love and support. THANK YOU.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers, light and love.
Thank you. xo
Prayers! I can’t imagine what you are going though. I pray for strength and peace in this difficult time. ?
Thank you Amber. xox
I’m so so sorry you have had to go through the difficult loss of a child. I’ve went through multiple miscarriages and it’s just so heart breaking whether you have children already or not. Thank you for sharing so openly. It’s not easy being a part of this club, in time in does get easier, there are always good days and bad. Sending so much love and healing your way.
Thank you Gena for the thoughts, love, and healing. xox
My heart aches for you. Im in love with my 3 month old but will always grieve the one i lost before him
It’s hard. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
Holding you in love and light, mama. Miscarriage is the loss of a dream as much as a life. As a twiceover miscarriage experiencer with no other children of my own, know that there is solidarity among fellow survivors. Peace and prayers to you and your family as you move through this loss.
Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know your in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry that you are now in this club. I lost baby 3 and baby 4 to miscarriages. I remember crying for the loss of each child and then crying because I was lucky to already have two beautiful kids and thinking about all the women out there that were still trying for their first child. My fifth pregnancy was successful. My little one is now 11. She knows about the two babies before her. She sometimes says if they were born I wouldn’t be here. I think about the other two when it should’ve been their birthdays. My husband passed away when my youngest was 15 months old ( that’s another club I wish I wasn’t apart of too)., I believe my husband is in heaven with those two and I’m here with my three. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure your story is going to help a lot of women.
He absolutely is! My heart aches for you. Thanks for sharing your story as well. I do hope that my story helps some women. xo
I experienced an a ectopic pregnancy. A complete surprise. Emergency surgery. Back then, I woke up in the maternity ward. I hope they don’t do that any more. I had just lost a baby and half my reproductive possibilities. People — mostly loved ones — jumped in with all their meaningful platitudes: it just wasn’t meant to be, you’re lucky to be alive, carry on, stuff upper lip. My husband, now former, actually took me to an amusement park. And so I did carry on. I told myself it was nothing. About five years later I was browsing new books in the library and opened one about grieving for lost babies. I began to cry and pretty much didn’t stop for several days. Eventually I emerged from the darkness of denial and began to heal. I still think about my lost child. I know exactly where he or she would have fit in our family because I have reminders. My two sisters had babies — one month before and one month after I would have delivered mine. My heart believes my baby was a girl and I named her — a secret name only my heart knows. I’m so very sorry for your loss and the losses written here. Namaste.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m usually one that keeps my emotions in, but this has really helped me. xo
Prayers for you and your family. My miscarriage story is VERY similar and yes the waiting game is SO hard and taxing on your body and heart.
Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for that little babe in heaven and for your healing.
Also, I love following a Catholic Paleo Blogger!!!
Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot! Thanks also for following along! xo
Jenn, I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately there is not much that can be said or done to heal your wounds and quiet your grief, but time. Just know you are not alone in this and that you did nothing wrong. Even though your child never got to walk among us he or she was loved immensely.
Please continue to share your story. There are so many women (and the men whose support them) who are afraid or ashamed to speak about their lost children. I work as a labor & delivery RN and I see this so often when I have patients with a loss. Please share your story, so others can find comfort, openly grieve and share theirs.
Thank you for your bravery. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Erin
Thank you so much Erin for the wonderful comment. I will continue 🙂 xoxo Thank you also for all your hard, dedicated work as a nurse.
Hi Jen-
Thank you for sharing your experience. You are so right that so many others have experienced it and your sharing gives so many others the encouragement that they are not alone. Sharing your story can be healing in many ways. I just wanted to briefly introduce you to an organization founded by my husband’s cousin. Catherine Cares primarily focuses on reaching out to families that have received a devastating diagnosis of their baby in utero. In addition, they work to encourage others that they are not alone in their loss. Anyway, I thought it may be of interest to check out their story and mission. The website is http://www.catherinecares.org and they can be found on Facebook and Instagram.
Thanks for your recipes and blogs…I truly enjoy them!
Thank you so much for the info on Catherine Cares. I will look into it. xoxo
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Jen! My heart aches for you. I know there aren’t any words I can say to heal your pain. Just know I’m praying for you and your family. Big hugs to you!
Thank you so much Katrina. xo
Thank you so much for sharing! I just lost mine on Saturday with my first. It helps so much to know you’re not alone. Prayers to you!
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is aching for you. Please know that I am thinking about you
It is a sad club for sure. I joined it 16 years ago and still can find myself feeling sad. Big hugs to you- thank you for sharing your ?.
thank you for the love and support. xo
I really appreciate your openness to share about your miscarriage. My first pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage and I couldn’t conceive for years afte it. It took me a long time to accept the loss and truly grieve. It is healthy to grieve and it really doesn’t matter how many kids before the miscarriage. It is still a loss.
I’m also enjoying your recipes! Great job on your blog!
Thank you so much for you message Maria. xo
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I wish I had more comforting words. Please know your family is in my thoughts.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. It mean a lot!
xo
I am 55 years young and you brought me to tears. I too lost a baby and our stories are very similar. I was 26, (living in San Jose at the time). It took a 7 years for us but now I have two beautiful children 21 and 19. My thoughts and prayers are with all the parents especially the mommies. I have always felt we have little Guardian Angels watching over us. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending love your your way.
Thank you Cindy for your story. We definitely do have little Angels watching over us.
Thank you for sharing. I really needed to read this. It has been hard seeing these posts come up this week as I just miscarried last week. The physical aftermath is still taking its toll. The mental, emotional is almost too raw to touch yet. Your beautiful post is helping me give myself the permission I need to grieve.
Grieve as much as you need to! It gets easier, but I also have hard days as well that show up randomly. Know that it’s okay to be sad those random days too. You are strong and my thoughts and prayers are with you
So sorry for your loss. It is tough no matter how many children you have. I have lost 3, but the toughest was having a miscarriage while My husband was in surgery for melanoma. I had no one to grieve with me and I had to drive him back home from the Metro area, too.
Sending love and prayers.
Oh my!!! I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. 🙁 Sending my love and prayers to you too. I hope that you both are doing well.
Hi! I found you because of your Whole30 recipes but I found you right around the time we lost our first baby at 9 weeks this fall. It was the hardest and most gut wrenching experience of our lives. I knew there was a reason I found you- even if I still haven’t done a Whole30! Thanks for sharing your story – knowing I’m not alone is so comforting. I’m still not sure how we will commemorate our girl’s due date in April – but sharing our story might be a good start. Thanks again for sharing.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your little girl 🙁 I found that sharing it or even just writing it down helped me out a lot. My thoughts are with you, and if you need some love and comfort come April, you know where to find me!